Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Reference
Kip Landergren
(Updated: )
Contents
- Overview
- Terminology
- Resolving Conflict Between Two Parties
- The Four Part Nonviolent Communication Process
- Life Alienating Communication
Overview
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.” - Rumi
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a process for parties to:
- establish a relationship based on honesty, empathy, and the absence of judgement
- communicate nonviolently by:
- expressing our observations, feelings, needs, and requests clearly
- listening for the observations, feelings, needs, and requests of others
- reflecting and summarizing the observations, feelings, needs, and requests we hear
Restate your message as:
“When a, I feel b, because I am needing c. Therefore I now would like d.”
Terminology
- demand
- 1.
a request whose refusal is intolerable
Related:
- nonviolence
- 1.
our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart
- request
- 1.
an action asked to be undertaken by another; the refusal of which is tolerated with indifference
Related:
Resolving Conflict Between Two Parties
Either side may express their needs first, but for the sake of simplicity in this overview, let’s assume we begin with our needs.
- we express our own needs
- we search for the real needs of the other person, no matter how they are expressing themselves. If they are not expressing a need, but instead an opinion, judgment, or analysis, we recognize that, and continue to seek the need behind their words, the need underneath what they are saying.
- we verify that we both accurately recognize the other person’s needs (through paraphrasing or reflecting back their words), and if not, continue to seek the need behind their words.
- we provide as much empathy as is required for us to mutually hear each other’s needs accurately.
- having clarified both parties’ needs in the situation, we propose strategies for resolving the conflict, framing them in positive action language.
The Four Part Nonviolent Communication Process
Expression:
- observations - what I see or hear, spoken without evaluation; facts, behaviors
- feelings - the emotion of sensation I feel in relation to your observations
- needs - the values that underpin and drive my feelings
- requests - the concrete actions I wish of another that would enrich your life
Receiving:
- observations - what you see or hear, spoken without evaluation; facts, behaviors
- feelings - the emotion of sensation you feel in relation to your observations
- needs - the values that underpin and drive your feelings
- requests - the concrete actions you wish of another that would enrich your life
Compassion and empathy-blocking communication:
- moralistic judgements - these are just expressions of our own needs and values, and labeling others is a violent way of pointing out differences in our values
- comparisons - a type of judgement
- denial of responsibility - aka “beaurcracy talk”; meaning that decisions are forced on us by a system or rules, not of our own choosing
- implying that we can make someone do something
- saying that people “deserve” certain consequences
On observations:
- do not include judgement or evaluation
On feelings:
- we are responsible for them, and have agency over them: feelings are caused by our needs and we are accountable to them
- starting with “I feel like...” is a red flag because it masks the underlying real feeling through comparison or metaphor
- be aware of your agency vs. somebody’s action; e.g. “I feel like you don’t care” is not a feeling, as it is blaming another person
- name your emotion (happy, sad, hurt, excited, angry, disappointed, etc)
On needs:
- needs are universal and are not requests (e.g. “I need you to X” is not a need)
- analyzing perceived wrongness is a sign you need to better express your own needs
- needs contain no reference to anybody taking any particular action
- on reflection, when turning our attention to the part of the self which chose to act in the way that led to the present situation, we ask ourselves, “When I behaved in the way which I now regret, what need of mine was I trying to meet?” I believe that human beings are always acting in the service of needs and values.
On requests:
- our requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply
- When people hear a demand, they see only two options: submission or rebellion. Either way, the person requesting is perceived as coercive, and the listener’s capacity to respond compassionately to the request is diminished.
- “Expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our objective. If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately. The objective of NVC is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy.”
- Two questions help us see why we are unlikely to get what we want by using punishment to change people’s behavior. If we ask only this first question, punishment may seem effective, because the threat or exercise of punitive force may well influence someone’s behavior. However, with the second question, it becomes evident that punishment isn’t likely to work:
- What do I want this person to do that’s different from what he or she is currently doing?
- What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing what I’m asking?
- “I want more help around the house” is not as concrete as “I want you do to the dishes every other day”
Tips:
- reflect a person’s message back to them; paraphrase and confirm that their words are understood
- assertions can be heard as chastizing, which is contrary to the goal of connecting by expressing feelings and needs:
- “You didn’t hear me”
- “That’s not what I said”
- “You’re misunderstanding me”
- “never to put your ‘but’ in the face of an angry person”
- on anger:
- We say: “You make me angry.” “You hurt me by doing that.” “I feel sad because you did that.” We use our language in many different ways to trick ourselves into believing that our feelings result from what others do. The first step in the process of fully expressing our anger is to realize that what other people do is never the cause of how we feel.
- empathy occurs when we empty ourselves and listening with our whole being
Life Alienating Communication
- “moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values”