Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Reference

Kip Landergren

November 07, 2021 (Updated: November 07, 2023)

Overview

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.” - Rumi

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a process for parties to:

establish a relationship based on honesty, empathy, and the absence of judgement
communicate nonviolently by:
- expressing our observations, feelings, needs, and requests clearly
- listening for the observations, feelings, needs, and requests of others
- reflecting and summarizing the observations, feelings, needs, and requests we hear

Restate your message as:

“When a, I feel b, because I am needing c. Therefore I now would like d.”


demand	a request whose refusal is intolerable
nonviolence	our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart
request	an action asked to be undertaken by another; the refusal of which is tolerated with indifference

Either side may express their needs first, but for the sake of simplicity in this overview, let’s assume we begin with our needs.

we express our own needs
we search for the real needs of the other person, no matter how they are expressing themselves. If they are not expressing a need, but instead an opinion, judgment, or analysis, we recognize that, and continue to seek the need behind their words, the need underneath what they are saying.
we verify that we both accurately recognize the other person’s needs (through paraphrasing or reflecting back their words), and if not, continue to seek the need behind their words.
we provide as much empathy as is required for us to mutually hear each other’s needs accurately.
having clarified both parties’ needs in the situation, we propose strategies for resolving the conflict, framing them in positive action language.

Expression:

observations - what I see or hear, spoken without evaluation; facts, behaviors
feelings - the emotion of sensation I feel in relation to your observations
needs - the values that underpin and drive my feelings
requests - the concrete actions I wish of another that would enrich your life

Receiving:

observations - what you see or hear, spoken without evaluation; facts, behaviors
feelings - the emotion of sensation you feel in relation to your observations
needs - the values that underpin and drive your feelings
requests - the concrete actions you wish of another that would enrich your life

Compassion and empathy-blocking communication:

moralistic judgements - these are just expressions of our own needs and values, and labeling others is a violent way of pointing out differences in our values
comparisons - a type of judgement
denial of responsibility - aka “beaurcracy talk”; meaning that decisions are forced on us by a system or rules, not of our own choosing
implying that we can make someone do something
saying that people “deserve” certain consequences

On observations:

On feelings:

we are responsible for them, and have agency over them: feelings are caused by our needs and we are accountable to them
starting with “I feel like...” is a red flag because it masks the underlying real feeling through comparison or metaphor
be aware of your agency vs. somebody’s action; e.g. “I feel like you don’t care” is not a feeling, as it is blaming another person
name your emotion (happy, sad, hurt, excited, angry, disappointed, etc)

On needs:

needs are universal and are not requests (e.g. “I need you to X” is not a need)
analyzing perceived wrongness is a sign you need to better express your own needs
needs contain no reference to anybody taking any particular action
on reflection, when turning our attention to the part of the self which chose to act in the way that led to the present situation, we ask ourselves, “When I behaved in the way which I now regret, what need of mine was I trying to meet?” I believe that human beings are always acting in the service of needs and values.

On requests:

our requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply
When people hear a demand, they see only two options: submission or rebellion. Either way, the person requesting is perceived as coercive, and the listener’s capacity to respond compassionately to the request is diminished.
“Expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our objective. If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately. The objective of NVC is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy.”
Two questions help us see why we are unlikely to get what we want by using punishment to change people’s behavior. If we ask only this first question, punishment may seem effective, because the threat or exercise of punitive force may well influence someone’s behavior. However, with the second question, it becomes evident that punishment isn’t likely to work:
- What do I want this person to do that’s different from what he or she is currently doing?
- What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing what I’m asking?
“I want more help around the house” is not as concrete as “I want you do to the dishes every other day”

Tips:

reflect a person’s message back to them; paraphrase and confirm that their words are understood
assertions can be heard as chastizing, which is contrary to the goal of connecting by expressing feelings and needs:
- “You didn’t hear me”
- “That’s not what I said”
- “You’re misunderstanding me”
“never to put your ‘but’ in the face of an angry person”
on anger:
- We say: “You make me angry.” “You hurt me by doing that.” “I feel sad because you did that.” We use our language in many different ways to trick ourselves into believing that our feelings result from what others do. The first step in the process of fully expressing our anger is to realize that what other people do is never the cause of how we feel.
empathy occurs when we empty ourselves and listening with our whole being

“moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values”